I, Axis.

I arrived at a quiet office with only the humming of a few air con units greeting me. I like it. Immediately, I felt myself settling down; my nerves calming almost instantly, ignoring the heat of Holy Wednesday outside and forgetting about so many voices in my head that the noise of the water company’s jackhammer ravaging Quezon Avenue failed to drown.

I’ve been needing this quiet time all along and I have failed to realize it.

My life is suspended in mid-air. It’s like a suspended orgasm, I once told Kulas sans any malice: the intense buildup of energy, constantly squirming in agony, panting, chasms open and close and—

You have to wait for months before you can let out that scream of ecstasy. How painful and sublime is that? Release, release. Sometimes it gets so agonizing it's almost cruel.

All the events in my life now lead to a great plot. Like blowing into a balloon, slowly, until finally it bursts and the party’s over and I can clean up and say good night to wake up to a bright Sunday morning. My mind’s a matrix of To Do’s and my body responds by zoning out, my eyes frequently lapsing into a blank gaze: walls and ceilings have become fantastic company.

God, I’m getting married. I’m leaving a job I’ve had in four years. I’m leaving the family home I’ve lived in for half of my life. I’m going to have a dream job which both delights and scares me endlessly. I’m going to have my own children. I’m going to do so many other things… can I do it? Can I do all these?

My world is spinning.


***

You’re just overwhelmed. You just need a break. Such are the remarks I come by these days. But there’s more to it, you know?

And who really understands?