----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

while i was smoking by the office stairwell, thoughts of tatay came to me, like vague ribbons of smoke, at first; now trailing after me, insistent like a child's hand tugging at my skirt.

it's been three years since he passed away. he didn't say goodbye nor did we feel any inkling that he was leaving us. i don't think it was sudden though. i know he felt it. i know he knew. death is only sudden, unbidden to those who are left behind. i know. i know because nanay soon followed him. two deaths in barely one year. too soon, too painful.

such pain you will never get used to.

i have a big heart of scars. and love. the biggest part of it has tatay and nanay in it.

of course another death scares me. one will never be able to prepare for it--for the loss of another hand to hold: not the countless in and out's in the hospital; not the gray years; nothing. there will be no warnings until it stares at you with cold, cold eyes.

what tatay and nanay had taught me with their passing is hope. immense hope:

for those who have gone ahead of us. and for those of us who are left behind.