I'm sorry, Jerry, but it's over.

I'm blogging now because I no longer want his picture greeting me everytime I visit my blog. He's still there, posted on the cubicle wall, that handsome profile I adore. But enough of him already. I have a lot of things to write about and they're there percolating in my mind, hoping that soon enough I'll be able to pound on the keyboard with the intensity I used to know.

I realized just now, contemplating on my next paragraph, that I have been failing to consummate my life by not being able to write about it. I stall too much. I think too much, for pete's sake. Hell, I don't even know if poetry would even come to me again.

I'm wasting too much time. Isn't it shitty how I have to admit this when the year ends in less than two months and I'm turning 26 excatly a week from now?

But maybe it's ok to realize this just now. At least something really significant will be happening next year.

Yep, May 28, 2005 will be the day the bells toll for me. It will hopefully be at the Antipolo Cathedral, actually my first choice of churches that "called" me solely for this occasion (If Kulas would marry me again, it would be at the Gesu by then).

Nope, I don't wear rings. I'm wearing his name around my neck instead :) It happened last Sunday over lunch. I'll blog about it soon--procrastinating again?

Yup. I've mastered it, haven't I?

***

this language*

we say we love and when asked why or how,
we try not to swallow our own tongues
and choke on words disguised as reasons.
we hope not to break promises clasped
between fingers entwined,
between the space of a kiss
separated by our breaths.
we say we love and we feel it, chemical.
but this yearning to define
consumes us more than bodies
taking in each other,
like wildfire spreading too soon onto dry grass,
leaving only parched earth and that burnt smell.
we know not the language
of what we claim we feel
but this we profess:
we love, giving all things beautiful;
we love like we live
and that is enough.

for Kulas, only these words.


* written several months ago. I have posted this here before but it calls to be read again :)