I wished for peace for my 26th birthday and this evening at mass in De la Strada, I felt it. I felt at peace.

Do all birthday wishes come true? They dudn't, when I was a kid. There were luckier years, I thought, when I'd receive what I had asked for. But this year I've asked for something most people need but just can't have, and I feel I have it now.

No, God doesn't give perfect gifts. He gives the best--even if we see these gifts in imperfect packages.

With this gift of peace comes this quiet that I have longed for throughout this year. How can I be so quiet inside now? What have I done right to be feeling this serene now, right on my 26th birthday? What have I done for my wish to be granted?

I am humbled. All the voices in my head have stopped screaming; accusing fingers have stopped pointing at me.

I asked for peace and I was given more. I was granted with the capacity and strength to forgive, the courage to forgive myself and let all my demons go.

Happy birthday, Tintin...

12:33 a.m.
16 November 2004

***

I knew you were planning to do it when you took out that gold gift bag from the trunk. Then again, I didn't want to assume things because I had my fears, still; yes, I'm sorry, even minutes before you asked that question, a tinge of doubt was still haunting me.

How could it even be more beautiful than that? It was the altar, the eve of my birthday, and that special time of the year when just about everything feels good.

How can I even ask for more when you held my hand and told me from now on our lives will be one and it's the start of something beautiful and new?

How can God be so good to me?

So this is what joy and peace feel like...

***

I am so happy that I am moved to tears whenever somebody greets me either personally or through sms.

But there are certain things that make the difference on this birthday:

1. Kulas proposed "formally" before the Blessed Sacrament at the Santa Maria de la Strada Adoration Chapel before the 6p.m. mass.

2. He went out of his way to go to a mall--which he hates--just so he could pick up his gift and "engagement watch" for me. (I don't wear rings)

3. Tere is leaving for Singapore at the end of the month. I'm scared but I'm hopeful God will take care of her.

4. Mama called from Nueva Ecija and had Big Kuya and Neneng sing happy birthday to me over the phone.

5. I was thinking aloud that TJ must have forgotten the date when I saw him by the door and he heard what I said, just when he was about to greet me. This is also my "first" birthday when he's officially with us again.

6. This is my last birthday as a single woman :)

7. Neng-neng, Ayvi, Sammie and Tina's birthday SMS

8. Sharon and Ananda :) Kieyh and Alicia Therese :)

9. Spending my traditional Tintin Alone Day on the 15th with Joacs as my "shadow".

10. The birthday card Kulas gave me. The simplest, most beautiful and honest words from a man who claims to be not good with words...

11. Kulas and me, without baggages. Finally. :)

1:00 am
16 November 2004

***

Thank you Joacs. It's beautiful.