I want to write something substantive for today; a good entry for the week,but I could only come up with mere ramblings straight from the top of my head. I am having such a bad time at work. I do not even want to think and write about it.

All I'm wishing for at this moment is that I could get out of here and finally do what my heart desires.

But there are bills to pay and a household to support, siblings to occasionally feed and pamper. No, I am not being hard on myself. I have grown living a life like this but I want to explore other lives now. A life of my own.

I can have it naman di ba? I can do what I want. I just have to be brave about it and conquer what I fear most: failure. Everyone fears this anyway.

I am resigning from my job come December. I just want to finish my projects and other commitments here. I am not happy here anymore. Traveling (a perk really)doesn't even excite me as much. Hitting the snooze button at 6 a.m. again and again has become addictive. The boss, some people, the bureaucracy, and the sheer politicking drain me. The office has become an energy-vampire to me. Sad. I know I have to get out.

Impractical? But what is practical, really? Work is totally different from a job. I choose to have the former. Friends and even Kulas tell me not to resign until I find another job. Thing is, I don't want to be employed anymore! After saving (or trying) the seas for three years, I would be facing self-employment. Come 2005, I will be my own boss. Our House will officially open and teach art and creativity to kids and I will be doing "regular" freelance writing jobs. I will paint and mount my first solo exhibit. I will finally join the Palanca. I will teach writing and literature again. Best of all, there will never be a bundy clock for me. Ever.

Maybe I haven't done my best here. Maybe I have just been too selective of the times when I would do my best and show them what I can really do. I think that is just an indication that I am not cut out for this milieu. After all, I was not born to conform, be controlled. I need more freedom, space, choices.

This job is not bad at all. In fact, it has taught me things I wouldn't have learned from other jobs. It has brought me to places both literally and otherwise. It is for a cause I wholeheartedly support and adhere to. It helped me send my little sister to school (and she’s now a Swiss Air attendant).

But there are other things for me to do. I simply can't wait.