I never thought I would ever want to kill myself. I was never the suicidal type. But last night, I cried myself to sleep, wishing I could just end it all.

But here I am again, woke up this morning and I almost forgot how miserable I felt the night before. I'm glad I am not brave enough, never will be, to do what I had wished for.

***

"Beautician,nakatanggap ng death threat--nagpakamatay" -- Unang Hirit News item 7/15/04

How many crappy situations have I come across with,or gotten myself into, so crappy they're almost like death threats?

No, I don't have the ability to force Death upon myself. I couldn't think of a way that wouldn't be too gory or too dramatic. An acute pancreatitis like Rico Yan's would be too much of a blessing.

The root of all this?

My father. He who has left us when I was four and my siblings teetering in their walkers; when milk was always never enough, and Mama always out late at night.

I was never one to blame things on somebody. I am not an angry person even if I had the right to be so. In fact, I don't like angry people. Last night, though, I realized how angry I am and have been at my father.

Apathy and indifference have been my best friends. Not anymore.

***

The heart is resilient. And I love life too much to be this gloomy, suicidal kid. Hindi bagay sa akin.