It's so noisy inside me. I have to quit procrastinating and write everyday. Putting words in black and white ought to quiet me down. Words should contain me. Now, I am having trouble catching up with my thoughts again. Again writing is my answer, except that I should have done so days ago, and write each and everyday.

I am not exactly happy nor sad. This in-betweeness is a phase I always go through. Nothing new.

Paranoia is also creeping up. Then again, my intuitions do not normally fail me. In fact, it has never did particularly when it comes to relationships.

I think Kulas is changing--if he hasn't yet, that is. Kulas doesn't tell me where he is during the day,unlike before. He doesn't seem to care,too, if I tell him I'll be out with friends or that I am already with them without letting him know first. He doesn't text me iloveyou's and the usual sappy lines that would normally be sweet because he's thinking of me. In fact, he tells me he loves me only when it's time to say good night and that is because probably it doesn't feel right if he doesn't tell me he loves me before he sleeps. It's probably the routine-breaking that's shaking me. Routines, however predictable, are comforting. Like two wrinkled hands clasped.

He's twenty years older than I am and I dont expect him to be gooey-sweet to me. It's just that Kulas is a 45 year old boy and I have learned to love both the boy and the man...

He's also very busy these days. With his job hanging, he's keeping himself busy with his marine products business. He's been talking to bar/restaurant owners, hotel people, the like. He's also with his business partners the whole day. He picks me up from work and takes me home though. That is mainly what remains to be the same.

So am I suspecting something here?

I honestly dont know. We've been together for almost two years--the first year being really turbulent times. What I do know though, is that he keeps in touch with his exes and other women in his past--or they do.

Sometimes I don't care anymore. If he's keeping a girlfriend somewhere, or flirting around, I'm sure I'm bound to know. And when I do, I know what to do.

***

My phone alerts and there's a message from Kulas. He tells me he loves me.

Hmmm. Now the above post makes me a paranoid,insecure bitch.Aaargh.

***

Just yesterday, we had a fight about me being so mistrusting. If I told him, he made me this way, hell would break loose I'm sure.

***

TJ and Papa talked on the phone last Saturday. The last time they did was twelve years ago. Imagine the pain, the sadness, the regrets. Two men cried and hoped in their hearts, both love each other despite everything.

***

Tere and I have been arguing a lot lately. We keep on snapping at each other. Mostly it's about her job, her clothes, my clothes,her derma allowance from me, just about everything. To think, we dont get to spend time with each other that much anymore.

(By the way, she works for Mt. Malarayat. If you want to invest on real estate that's hip and yuppie-ish, drop me a line and I'll tell her.)

My sister is my best friend and my worst enemy. Stories of our past fights would tell you that.

***

This didnt turn out to be the hopeful entry I was expecting it to be. And I have been writing in truncated sentences for quite sometime now. It's discomfiting. I need to go back to school,merge into circles again and write and paint. Be the old Tintin.

***

By the way, I'm AWOL now. What do I do? Anyone from UP Grad School here? :)

***

I am helping out with the creativity projects of the kids from Jesus loves the Little Children Foundation through Mads. This will be another project for Our House, the kids' creativity center I put up. Im excited. Volunteers are welcome. :)