Halfway through the movie i was watching on tv, i wished i was watching it with you. I didn't even get to know the title. All I know was that it was about a woman pursuing what she loves, and about having a good heart..

Just like all beautiful things I see, hear or feel, I want to be with you as I live them.

We both haven't been smiling these days. "We hurt ourselves too much." But we cling to each other, not out of despair, but out of faith: faith in something better to come along, in beauty and in ourselves because we love after all.

I miss my smile, and yours, too.

6:15 pm
28 January 2004
home

surprise me, Tuesday.

It's always good meeting up with Ayvi, my Japanese sister. Back in Silliman, we would tell poeple we were sisters except that I'm Chinese. How's that again? That's just it, we'd say; we're sisters.

We had cappuccinos at Figaro first and dinner at Fazoli's after. Stayed at Seattle's Best till they told us they were closing. We talked about our lives, as usual. The husband needs to work on his marketing to give the business a much-needed boost; be arrogant in maing more money. Isis, my two-year old inaanak says "chicken" whenever she sees the Equitable-PCI Bank logo. She also knows that it's "apple" on the Mac.

I told her my frustrations with writing and she has only one thing to tell me: write.

Write on a napkin, on a mint wrapper, the hem of your skirt, your palm, on neon Post-Its; write on scented pink stationeries, on a random page of the book you're surreptitiously reading in the ladies' room cubicle of your office; write on the envelope of your five-digit phone billing statement, write on your favorite spiral notebook, write, Tintin, just write.

***

ayvi: bakit ba kailangang career-in ang pagsusulat? we dont write to live; we live to write!

***

tintin: gusto ko s'yang saktan! (on describing a woman from work who has annoying manners of speaking and facial expressions

***

tintin: eh maka-mundo ako eh! bwahahaha! (retort to ayvi's statement on the issue of making money being a big deal)

from the mouth of my babe

he said what i need is diligence. my laziness,according to him, is detrimental to any literary visions i have of myself. i just have to write, write,write, he said. if that's the way i want to live my life, i might as well die writing. and to do so, i must get on with it.

come to think of it, this has always been my problem. i have always been a butterfly when it comes to projects. i work hard,set my heart on things, get my heart broken and move on. as with my life, my relationships,my dreams and fears, i flutter, fly, thrive on whatever's good (even the bad) and move on. and so, i look for more.

i envy naya. first, because i really like and admire her poetry. her metaphors range from the most common to the amazingly profound. her language mesmerizes me,too. i know for certain that when i read a poem of hers without her by-line, i would recognize that voice, resonating on the page,reaching my mind. and second, just like her, i wish i were teaching again.

i am writing this with a sigh.

and of course, there's ian whose works i would always read for sheer pleasure and to simply marvel at his craft. his fiction is comforting no matter what his subject is. there is,in his words, a quiet spectacle that unfolds before my eyes but it is always something calm and fluid that i allow myself to flow along his plots, his characters, his images. i specially love ian's stories on afternoons when my own despair to create swallows me whole like a dragon's open mouth...

then there's pam. this girl simply amazes me.

and dinah? this woman has the most beautiful words and an equally beautiful mind.

there are other things to do and enjoy aside from writing. i love, i am loved, i laugh at myself, cry,weep, eat anything, hug people---there are a million other beautiful things i could make myself do.

but writing eludes me. and i was born to chase anything that runs away from me. chase it, grip its neck, shake it and when everything's done and still nothing else happens, i let it go.

i know when to admit defeat.

i like the way i write my name. i dont know what handwriting analysts would say about my penmanship but i like it. they might reveal that my handstrokes are telltale signs of a suspected sex maniac or a serial killer on the loose or a fairy godmother moonlighting as a writer: ont thing i know is that the way i write speaks of character in black and white.

i'll be gone for a few days for work. i find Gen San rather depressing probably because i'm such an incurable urbanite. while i love being outdoors, the thought of a mall or cafes being inaccessible to me makes me feel a little lost. we're going to Sarangani on thursday though so the trip would certainly be worth it.

on a different note, i wish i could do something to lift kulas' moods. troubles at work are getting to him really hard. i miss his smile. i miss his kulit self. now i wish i pursued my plans of taking up law so i could be his lawyer for this case. no other human being knows him the way i do. i know his soul. i would be the best person to defend this man to the world.

i have been putting off working on my plans for this year. i wish there were a pill to cure procrastination. oh well. those are all in my head and that's what matters,right?

$$$

after we were informed that we wont be getting our salary on the 15th for some stupid reason, i have devised the following to make sure i'll get by. what's infuriating is that we have the money--and in dollars,too--so we aren't supposed to be penniless every payday; but since financial fuck-ups happen, it's time for my Chinese merchant lineage to surface.

1) i will join AXN's Fear Factor and win $50,000. ah, for the love of money.

2) i will rent a coffin and pretend to be dead so i'll get abuloy from people. of course im gonna need an assistant for this one. anyone?

3) i will offer massage services in the neighborhood.

4) i will rent a Videoke machine and rent it out to my neighbors and relatives. for a 3k capital, i'll get double in ROI. in 5peso coins, that is.

5) i will play billiards, bet and win--tooth and nail.

6) i will hold a garage sale. now this is more realistic and better for decluttering and feng shui stuff,too. but i want to be grand and dramatic so i wouldnt opt for this one.

7) i will write a schmaltzy Tagalog Romance Novel and my protagonists will be called Segofredo,Edwin and Lucy. Lucy will be a brilliant and conservative nympho.

8) i will sell my paintings.

9) #8 is unthinkable for now.

10) i will apply as Galema the lady with snakes on her head at the Paskong Pasiklab carnival in QC.


hmmm.money.

i want to be a twig

i woke up this morning smelling a nasty world waiting for me. it's not enough that there's so much brouhaha at work these days--my body isn't doing its job,too. i feel like im pregnant (of course,i'm not),having that so-called morning sickness except that this one is bound to stay the whole day. it must be because of lack of sleep as kulas and i talked over the phone til about 2a.m. before i went to bed last night, or shall we say this morning, i realized that i'm having "real" problems and doing some "real" thinking now. this is serious. kulas never stays up late on the phone much less if there's work the following day. the thing is, it's that hellhole we were talking about.my apologies to anyone from the office who'd get to read this. we are just on different seats,so to speak. i hope we could get a really good lawyer.

nina and sam met up with me last night.i needed their comfort and they didnt think twice to go all the way from paranaque to meet me at morato. we had dinner then all drove to intramuros for coffee. when i asked nina how she is these days, she answered, "i'm a twig". i want to be a twig,too. it's just a matter of following one's heart. very very soon.

oh and i've paid for tere's tuition fee yesterday and i realized that was the last i will have to pay ever. knock on wood. thank you, God. now if one would ask me what's the best gift i ever gave to somebody, the answer would surely be the college education of my sister.i feel blessed.

ku-las re-sign ku-las re-sign

right now, the only significant thing that needs considerable thinking is whether kulas should quit his job or not. i am greatly resolute that he should choose the former and that he must do it ASAP. in fact,i want him to do it now. as in today. ok, end of January will do.

i feel that he is getting alarmingly stressed out by work.there is a bunch of people who are making such huge ruckus, trying to make his life miserable. government bureaucracy and people's innate selfishness are the keywords. everyone also has their own agenda.

if he wouldnt get out of this system really soon, i swear i'll take the matter to the streets and make welga. i need help making the placards with "kulas resign" on them.

i just dont want him to waste his energies on something that's been troubling him. i want laughlines on his face, not wrinkles caused by constant agitation. i need him with me for the next 60 years.

ME
by Paula Cole

I am not the person who is singing
I am the silent one inside
I am not the one who laughs at people's jokes I just pacify their egos
I am not my house, my car, my songs
They are only just stops along my way
I am like the winter
I'm a dark cold female
With a golden ring of wisdom in my cave

And it is me who is my enemy
Me who beats me up
Me who makes the monsters
Me who strips my confidence

I am carrying my voice
I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythmn
I am carrying my prayers
But you can't kill my spirit
It's soaring and it's strong
Like a mountain
I'll go on and on
But when my wings are folded
The brightly colored moth
Blends into the dirt into the ground

And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing i love
And it's me who's too weak
And it's me who's too shy
To ask for the thing i love
That I love

I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I'm scared as hell
But I know there's something better
Yes I know there's something
Yes I know, i know, yes i know

That I love
But it's me
And it's me
But it's me

for the roses, the dogs who eat dogs; for the screams in my head, the bruises on my arms; for love, kulas, family and friends

rainbows

when was the last time i saw a rainbow?

some cosmic intervention. just as i was about to write that we always need to have a fresh look at things, tins stretches her hand in front of me, and on her open palm were two white flat-faced marble stones. i chose one and the word "marvel" was written on it. the other stone has "celebrate" on.

it was the perfect stone to keep these days.

hang on
for you

it will be alright. i know you are worried about the days to come but fear no more. i wear hope like garlands of lilies upon my hair.

of paperweights, pigs and dolphins

back to work. i want to start the year right and decided to do it first off by wearing a gray Scottish plaid skirt and a pink top today. i arrived in the office with my desk devoid of the usual clutter of papers and i am definitely not used to it. i was actually at a loss-- i couldnt remember what i was working on before i left for the holidays. i know one great way to solve this: re-clutter my table.

aside from my PC and speakers, there are four other stuff sitting on my desk: a blue star and blue moon paperweights, a pink rubber pig whose eyes pop out when you give its tummy a squeeze, and a blue dolphin atop a white swirl. they look at me quietly and i ask myself where they come from. i look at the files precariously perched on the shelves above me and i think i have accumulated too many garbage that i refuse to throw out.

i have 360 days more ahead of me (it's a leap year, i think). with the way things happen everyday, 365 days could feel like, well, 365 long days, or just a year that has wonderfully passed by.

withdrawal syndrome

i've quit smoking for almost a month already. i went through the usual irritability and craving bouts, salivating like i was some mad dog, and the restlessness that wouldn't go away. aside from that, i feel perfectly great.

my vanity has actually won over this oral fixation. teehee. and yep, we're planning to have babies soon. five of them. what a joy.

thinking Manhattan

i feel so strongly that i could do whatever i want and go wherever i want to. that's what i will be doing soon. kulas and i, that is.