Isn't he beautiful?  

Got this from Naya's blog.

13 Random Things You Like

13. the smell of books
12. the smell of pencils and paper
11. chancing upon really good books when you're not really looking for something to buy
10. kid's hugging just your waist or legs because they're too small to reach you
9. being held by the waist; it's sooo sexy and you feel like he thinks so too
8. unexpected kisses from Kulas
7. nice jeans, pointy shoes, black and white tees
6. Mama calling me 'anak'
5. being spooned
4. freshly-brewed coffee on a quiet morning at work
3. unexpected i-love-you-ate from TJ and Tere
2. dancing when drunk with my man
1. eating out with Mama, TJ and Tere

12 Great Movies

12. City of Angels
11. Matchstick Men
10. When Night is Falling
9. Magnolia
8.Oro, Plata, Mata
7. Il Postino
6. Lilo and Stitch
5. The Red Balloon
4. Dancer in the Dark
3. Lost in Translation
2.Amelie
1.Antonia's Line

11 Good Bands/Artists

11. Joey Ayala
10. True Faith
9. Everything But The Girl
8. Eraserheads
7. Joni Mitchell
6. Sarah Mclachlan and Paula Cole
5. Sting oh Sting
4. Cynthia Alexander
3. Pinikpikan
2. Ani di Franco
1. Tori Amos

10 Things About You

10. I got kicked out from St. Paul
9. I was responsible for getting a playmate (si Bang-bang) devoured by our askal dog, Guard. It's a strict order not to let our playmates up the third floor balcony but I did, saying I could handle Guard. Of course Guard managed to get off his leash, attacked Bang-bang and the poor girl suffered about 30 bleeping bites from manic Guard. Bang-bang and her family were scheduled to fly to Saudi Arabia the following day.
8. I started playing the piano when I was four, went to the UP conservatory til I was 10, homeschooled til I was 14 then stopped playing the piano since.
7. I stole my 2nd grade classmate Diadema's (yep, her name's Diadema--Diadema Dimayuga) 5 peso bill, tucked neatly but visibly in the outside transparent pocket of her My Melody schoolbag. I saw the 5 bucks and thought of a new Merit notebook I could buy with it. She was a class monitor that day and when she was cleaning the classroom along with other classmates, I told her her sundo was there to pick her up and asked me if I could go get her bag. Of course the girl was too happy somebody else would carry her bag all the way down the grade school building. When she handed the bag to me, I went to another wing of the building, took the 5 Emilio Aguinaldo bill and left her bag in the corridor. The following day, she never asked why I didn't give her bag to her yaya, never asked me why I left her bag in the corridor. Clueless her, evil me. (Hey Diadema,wherever you are, I'm sorry, ok?)
6. I passed the UPCAT but I was to take up Occupational Therapy, which, Tatay wrote on my application form. I told him I didn't pass because I didn't want to go to Med School anymore. He never knew the truth.
5. I'm a closet conservative. har har.
4. I had two very serious girlfriends.
3. I was so decided not to get married but just to live with whoever he would be and have kids.
2. I had a super crush with a boy named Arjayson when I was 10.
1. I love my family so much.

9 Friends Nung Kabataan

9. Ma-an, the girl who lived next to our old apartment. She had a really strict dad who wouldn't let other kids play with her.

8. Rose Ann Yu, the chubby girl from III-Maya who always shared her egg sandwich with me and did my Math homework everyday. I never coerced her or anything ok?

7. Chari, Gerald, Aileen, Intsik. Kids on the block. They thought me how to say pu%&8@#$na with spunk. Yep, that's Intsik, the one I wrote about in this blog.

6. Mary Jane, the pretty Japanese girl whose mom worked in Japan as a club manager. She had the latest Sanrio toys and scented stationeries. I also drew dolls for her, which she would cut and paste on her lunchbox, to the utter dismay of her yaya. We were best friends till sixth grade.Then she went to Japan and we lost touch.

5. Dhang, a very good friend til now. She was so studious and dutiful in taking down notes. I wold bribe her with anything I could think of just so she'd let me copy her Math homework. She never did and told me to study harder. Ang hirap kaya ng Math nung grade 5! Puro fractions!

4. Charlotte. Well, I thought she was my friend but when she became the reason why I got kicked out from St. Paul, I was glad I was the reason why she lost her front tooth.

3. Coney and John. We were the brightest in IV-Emerald and we would do homework at my house. The two of them thought I sang very well.

2. Ate Maybelle. My cousin who always played the role of a prostitute and she would always want me to be the drunk man watching her dance on top of the dining table. She denies this to this day.

1. Ate Cookie and Ate Candy. They're my two first cousins who now have families in Canada. I actually didn't have cousins of my age but Ate Cookie and Ate Candy never made me feel out of place, up until they started to have boyfriends.

8 Favorite Foods/Drinks

8. Choc-Nut

7. Lala's chocolate. This is manufactured in Bulacan, I've learned. You could buy this for 25 centavos back then.

6. Napoli's meatball spaghetti

5. Tapsilog

4. Vodka

3. Freshly brewed coffee

2. Sushi

1. Sinigang na butu-buto with lots of gabi and okra

7 Things You Wear Everyday

7. black underwear

6. Clinique Happy or Givenchy Irresistible

5. necklace

4. L'oreal Blush Delice

3. Technnomarine chrono watch

2. Nars concealer

1. jeans

6 Things That Make Happy

6. Mama calling me anak

5. Kulas holding my hand while walking

4. projects that go as planned

3. kids' artworks

2. getting my work published

1. being embraced by Kulas

5 Shows You Watch

5. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

4. The Practice

3. Look for Less

2. Six Feet Under

1. Sex and the City

4 Things That Irritate You

4. the stench of cigarette smoke on my hair and clothes

3. promises broken

2. griping

1. prejudice and discrimination (more like hating this)

3 Celebrities You Admire

3. Neil Gaiman

2. Jeanette Winterson

1. Sting

2 People on Friendster whom you invited first

2. Ian

1. Joacs

One Greatest Fear in Life

Mediocrity

These days find me doubting myself too much, in fact, more than when I was that angst-ridden Literature major in no less than the Royal and Pontifical university. Self-doubt has no place in an empowered self, a former professor once said. But when people around you come up with incriminating stories about you, all too often, you can't help but ask, what the fuck is wrong with me?

First, rumors about me went around the office. It's too pathetic to talk about it, really, but it did cause me distress especially when my boss confronted me. Not true, I told her, as I enumerated point-by-point clarifications to the story. Whether she believed me or not doesn't matter anymore. Now people at work think I'm little miss primadonna.

Then, there's the issue of my work being questioned--that I am not performing well, inter alia. I know how I work. I deliver. If people think that's not enough, they should tell me to my face. Reklamo sila ng reklamo, sila ba may ginagawa?
It's not even constructive criticism, for heaven's sake. It's simple fault-finding, I think. Of course, I'm stating this categorically. You--you know what I mean.

This morning, naman, I learned from a friend that another friend--let's call her A-- said that the reason why A and I had a fallout was because A thought I was spreading stories that she was so head over heels in love with me. Apparently, these stories reached her, as told by common friends. I respected her feelings, I didn't tell her to scram. After all, she just expressed how she felt and made it especially clear that she wasn't expecting anything in return. She decided to disappear. I was left wondering why, there was the friendship, in the first place. Maybe I am just insensitive? There probably was something wrong that I did or did not do, whatever it is though, it's not spreading stories about her pursuing me. I used to be in that circle of people, I may have told a couple of friends about A and me (because they were wondering what happened to us, they knew us to be friends); no more, no less. Now I really hope she's reading this blog. Let's talk.

I'm starting to hate this: I keep ranting on this blog and I am turning out to be such a bore, I'm afraid. And these issues are too juvenile. But believe me, the past weeks have been too much. There must be something about the stars that I am going against. Or it's just me, working against myself.

***
Connecting People

Cellular started to be a promising suspense-action movie. At first, it promised to be a fast-paced thriller that wouldn't waste the audience's time, a plot that didn't linger on too much exposition. Then again, it turned out to be a comic story of a hunk once deciding to prove to his ex-girlfriend that he's changed from the irresponsible and immature guy that she broke up with, into a young man who plunges himself into the trouble of helping a woman who has been kidnapped--when the hunk takes her call through his cellular phone. Interesting?

It's a stupid movie, more like a one and a half hour extended Nokia ad, really, with stupid dialogues and predictable twists but you'll watch it still, munching on your cheese popcorn and gulping that soda. It's Hollywood's tableau of a Pinoy action flick: stupid and hilarious up until the credits roll.

***

I'll be hopefully opening up a stall at the night market at the Tutuban mall in Divisoria. I'll be selling clothes, bags, handpainted artsy-fartsy stuff that can be give-aways for Christmas, notebooks, my leftover stocks of the Kikay Beach Kit, pens and pencils, and a lot more. I'll sell anything that can be sold. Partners are welcome :)

How have you been, Tintin?

I got so busy with work that I don't even remember what had happened to me for the past week. I am trying to remember as I write this, thinking about names, smiles, phone calls, emails, meetings, scenes and conversations that have colored my days for the entire week. On mornings I would wake up disoriented, checking my phone to remind myself of the date and would soon be rushing out of the house for work. Now I'm feeling a bit depressed, don't know exactly why, and I'm sick.

I remember there was coffee with Joacs and Sammie at Starbucks Theater Mall. Movie date with Kulas, watched Ladder 49 (39, 59?) and I got myself two pairs of Janylin patent pumps and mules. Cheap kikay delight. There was also coffee and dessert at Melange, again with Kulas. He left for Cagayan de Oro and I spent most of the week working, in a blur, missing the man at the end of the day.

Met with Vlad, Marielle and Hubert to discuss the workshop with them. Was it Monday? I fed them Choc-Nut. The workshop at Navotas went very well. I can't believe I'm too tired to write about it. Maybe Vlad will.

I had slept over at Neng’s place since Monday because I had to be at work really early. Watched Monster and Charlize Theron was amazing, that will be another post. Also watched Don't Tell Anyone (don't know the Spanish title) which was one of the lousiest, most pretentious gay films I've seen. Watched 50 First Dates for the nth time, and it didn't fail to make me gush again. Mushy, simple, quite incredible plot that simply leaves all pretensions out of the way. Tried to watch Hope Springs but got bored with it so I ended up giving myself a hot oil treatment at 2 a.m. because I couldn't sleep from sheer exhaustion. Washed dishes, had dinners of cheese dog, and Montano Spanish sardines (super) and dimsum from Gerry.

Didn't go to work yesterday and stayed at Neng's because I just couldn't get up. Rhinitis at work plus fits of cough and fever. Kulas picked me up at around 4 though so I could have a proper meal. Had my favorite Coffee crunch cake and spaghetti at Red Ribbon and drove around Ateneo after. Said a little prayer at the Gesu and again, we vowed to get married there.

Oh last Sunday, we thought that Toyang, Kulas' car, got car napped while parked in front of Metro Bank Katipunan, but that will be another post.

I'll be home alone tonight. My family will all be in Baguio till Sunday. I decided not to got because my body screams rest and I'll be in Davao next week. My Dumaguete trip will have to be postponed yet again.

I'll be 26 in less than a month. Time to rehash things.

Randomness

- The way a man eats may be tantamount to the way he is in bed with a woman. If he picks on his food in a messy way (supposing he's having the usual rice-viand combo), that is, rice mixed with ulam "haphazardly", "sabaw" overflowing--with Sarsa ni Mang Tomas at that, ladies, expect a man who slobbers all over the sheets, your face and every dry area in the room. Also, expect his hands to be touching and tugging at the wrong places. Every scene would perhaps be a slapdash of oops and eews. Besides, a man who doesn't know how to eat "properly" may very well be unaware of the benefits of flossing. So, girls, next time he says it's chow time, watch that plate in front of him.

- Some women find older men sexy. I woke up at frigging 4 am yesterday and somehow all I could think of was: what makes the older man sexy is the young(er) woman. Picture a Bruce Willis look-a-like and Mena Suvari strolling along, say, Mega Mall. You notice them both but you wonder how on earth did that guy snag (pardon the un-PCness) that babe? Thus, the assumption and eventually, the conviction that older men are sexy. Well, of course, Bruce Willis is sexy. And Mena Suvari is sexy. I don't have a point, right? Well, it was a 4am epiphany for pete's sake.

- Deli France's food has MSG. I'm allergic to it and triggers my vertigo but still I keep stuffing my face with their pasta. Yesterday at the Theater Mall branch was no exception.

- I have recurrent dreams of people I know committing suicide, specifically by hanging. Of course I'd always wake up in the middle of the night shaking like hell, wishing Mama was just right in the next room so she could comfort me. The morning after would always be spent trying to figure out what the dream meant. One colleague said it could be a project or something that I have been putting off, leaving it suspended. It could be a person whom I have left "hanging". Whatever it is, Freud, it's definitely not funny.

- Did you know that it's Fish Conservation Week every 3rd week of October? It's a Presidential Proclamation No. xxx during the late Pres. Diosdado Macapagal (Arroyo hihihi) regime. So stop eating fish, ok? He he.

I have an event coming up in celebration of Fish Con. We'll be giving an art and creative writing workshop to public grade school kids in Navotas, all of them children of fisherfolk. I'll be posting their works here hopefully.

- Randomness is good. Make this a random Wednesday, folks.

The Shoe was Right: Follow the swoosh and just do it


Cagayan de Oro was, for me, the most successful. It was almost perfect--work-wise, that is. It pays a lot when you have a team of hardworking, efficient and driven people to work with. None of them might be able to chance upon this blog but I feel that honoring and thanks are appropriate here. I can also say that Joey and Pauline were in their best elements during the CDO leg than the ones in Quezon and Ormoc. We’ll see about the final leg in Iloilo.

I'm back here in Manila where I have to face yet another Reality TV show that stars me. I have been in limbo for weeks now; working as hard as I could everyday so I could juggle my day job, writing assignments and Our House. There's just too much on my mind these days that I find myself spacing out a lot and I'm becoming forgetful. Just a few seconds before that last sentence, I dropped my pencil and I bent down to pick it up. Now, I don't remember what I was supposed to say before this! Labo no?

I need all the extra income I could get to cover all the bills I'm willing myself to settle before I resign by January next year. I have been trying to save up but somehow all the extra money I set aside has to cover some miscellaneous expense that comes up unexpectedly. When I think about it, I get really scared of the future. What if I never get to save enough? What if I never get to earn enough?

Of course, the only answer is to think outside the box. Funny, in my Phil Star article two Saturdays ago, I talked about the need for kids to think creatively, to live outside that box. In a perfect world, anything you set your heart on and do with all the fervor you could muster, will successfully work out. Of course it’s easier if you're a kid.

I started earning my own money when I was eight, peddling the local delicacy palitaw in my neighborhood. I have put up my own little store in front of our house where I sold candies and toys that my grandmother and I would buy wholesale from Divisoria. Mama would make gulaman and sago and I'd sell it for a peso a cup. I also rented out Tagalog comics for 2.50 if you’d take it overnight and a peso if you'd read it in my stall. I used the money I earned to buy all the Merit notebooks I could ever want at Gerliz's, the neighborhood bookstore. My business ventures varied from selling food, tutoring kids, and writing book reports for lazy students (bad, I know, but business is business).

Believe me, I was the richest and youngest entrepreneur about seventeen years ago.

But now? Nothing seems to work anymore--insert a girly whine here.

I am so disheartened by the way my plans have been turning out. When I was in CDO, I texted Vlad about how frustrating it is when your plans don't work out the way you want them to. You want to pursue your craft, your art and you try to turn it upside down so it would work well for you money-wise, but it doesn't. It just doesn't. And sometimes, your passion and love of what you do aren't enough. If this is the case, what, then, will ever be enough?

Oh but knowing myself, I don't give up.

I'll just work harder. Must market, must sell, must sell, and must sell. I wish I had my eight year old heart when I believed that everything was attainable, so possible. It's ironic how the "product" I am trying to sell now is calling out to kids to dream big, think outside the box…

Just this morning, one grade school principal said 'no' saying they're too busy, there's Foundation day, teachers' day, Star Scouts day, and it's going to be Blah Day for me. Oh but that's just one school in a thousand schools in the city, right?

The only thing that buoys me is the thought that I've done this so many times before and I know it can be done, only that I am on my own now.

"As the season of believing seems to wind down let me gently remind you that many dreams still wait in the wings. Many authentic sparks must be fanned before passion performs her perfect work in you. Throw another log on the fire."

- Sarah Ban Breathnach