I, Axis.

I arrived at a quiet office with only the humming of a few air con units greeting me. I like it. Immediately, I felt myself settling down; my nerves calming almost instantly, ignoring the heat of Holy Wednesday outside and forgetting about so many voices in my head that the noise of the water company’s jackhammer ravaging Quezon Avenue failed to drown.

I’ve been needing this quiet time all along and I have failed to realize it.

My life is suspended in mid-air. It’s like a suspended orgasm, I once told Kulas sans any malice: the intense buildup of energy, constantly squirming in agony, panting, chasms open and close and—

You have to wait for months before you can let out that scream of ecstasy. How painful and sublime is that? Release, release. Sometimes it gets so agonizing it's almost cruel.

All the events in my life now lead to a great plot. Like blowing into a balloon, slowly, until finally it bursts and the party’s over and I can clean up and say good night to wake up to a bright Sunday morning. My mind’s a matrix of To Do’s and my body responds by zoning out, my eyes frequently lapsing into a blank gaze: walls and ceilings have become fantastic company.

God, I’m getting married. I’m leaving a job I’ve had in four years. I’m leaving the family home I’ve lived in for half of my life. I’m going to have a dream job which both delights and scares me endlessly. I’m going to have my own children. I’m going to do so many other things… can I do it? Can I do all these?

My world is spinning.


***

You’re just overwhelmed. You just need a break. Such are the remarks I come by these days. But there’s more to it, you know?

And who really understands?

Two months to go...

According to Joacs, I haven't been blogging--I'm just posting pictures here and letting the images tell the story. That's true actually. I'm already going crazy with work, the wedding and preps for Waldorf. There are just so many things to do! Tomorrow will be exactly two months before the wedding and although I am dying in panic, I'm also excited as hell :)

Kulas and I went to our future house last Sunday and I love it to bits. It just needs a lot of 'personalizing'. We'll have the maids clean it so we can begin painting and deciding on the interiors. It's a loft--or is that what it's called? You can see the first floor of the house through the windows/balcony in the center of the second floor. If we're not just already going over our wedding budget, I'd love to consult an architect (Hi Mai!:)) or an interior designer. But anyway, I'm excited. The last time I worked on a house was when I moved in to my pad two years ago; oh and my apartment in Dumaguete four years ago. I don't know how we'll manage to work on the house (we're moving in by June), attend to our day jobs, work on the wedding preps, and work on our personal projects all at the same time. It's a good thing that Kulas and I do well under pressure. We even flew a kite in Ateneo last Sunday--that, after we went to Dexter's for the wedding cake :)

I need to go to the spa, have my nails done, some waxing, go to the dentist (Hi sammie!), shop for clothes, do the Waldorf syllabus, do the creative writing workshop module, finish everything here in the office, buy the boxes for the giveaways, finish the invites,table numbers, seating arrangements, buy the arrhae, seond veil, cord, aaaaaaaarrrrrrggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!Anyway.We're watching Norah Jones tomorrow. I can't wait. Oh and I'm attending a college buddy's wedding later at the Christ the King. My college tropa is still actually trying to come to terms witht he reality that two of their most unlikely friends are getting married this year-- Arthuz whose wedding is today, and Me.

***

The 'enter' key of my keyboard is stuck. How do you dismantle this thing?

And who would not be content when you have her? She's so amazing. That's Iya, my niece. 

Brain-dead and panicky. Wedding, Waldorf, Creativity Workshops. I can't even get started with the humongous amount of work.

One more thing, should I call my father, whom I haven't seen in 23 years, and talk to him--just talk to him, tell him his eldest is getting married two months from now?

Anyhow, my virtue box courtesy of Joacs say I have to be content today.